of cookies and self-betrayal.

To start on a happy note, I finally made those much-vaunted saffron cookies with pine nuts. I used Vosges Sugar Cookie mix (procured from Central Market), added a teaspoon of saffron to the egg in the dough, then just before baking, studded the tops of the cookies with pine nuts. To be fair, it was an experiment. I wasn't sure whether the saffron or the pine nuts would overwhelm.

As it turns out, they could have done with some overwhelming. Next time I'm not going to buy the inevitably over-priced saffron that one finds at specialty food stores. My recommendation is to hunt down your nearest Spanish, Persian, or, best of all, Indian, grocery store and buy saffron there. It will actually taste like saffron and not just crumbly red threads. As for the pine nuts, I would recommend folding them into the actual dough itself to add texture. Simply sprinkling untoasted nuts on top did not add much by way of flavor.

In any event, these cookies are being consumed at an alarming rate (despite the equally alarming amount of butter in them... I am clearly a butter magnet when it comes to recipes). Perfectly chewy and redolent of just-barely-cooked-enough cookie dough, they make the inner child quite, quite happy.

Now, onto darker things.

Self-betrayal.

Much MUCH easier than you would think. The mind has an excellent capacity for self-delusion and rationalization. One MUST be open to self-examination, ruthless self-examination in fact. Especially when it comes to love.

Love is a very tricky thing. In a way, nearly all of us are socialized to want that "one great love of our lives" (and various degrees and permutations thereof). We have to remember, however, that this wish, in fact, limits love. Love is something you bear for a person, whose very existence in this often-bleak world makes it a little brighter. It is selfless. If you love for love's sake alone, you will find that it frees you from its consequences.

At least, in theory.

Falling in love with a person makes it very easy to find compatibility where there is none. It is the most fecund breeding ground for wishful thinking that I have ever seen and I should know, I have definitely been guilty of this. That wishful thinking leaves one open to a great deal of self-betrayal. To distill my advice into one sentence, if you find yourself telling a friend or an acquaintance about a romantic situation and you find yourself having to justify what is quickly becoming an awkwardly indefensible "relationship", END IT. Your inner goddess will thank you. She should not be forced to serve. She is not a water-bearer or squire. She is a shieldsister, a battlemaiden, a phalanx-mate, the one whose shield stands between you and everything that would seek to destroy you. She chooses mates who are worthy of defending her and being defended by her.

That being said, once you do end it, I do not advocate ending it with hatred. It is easy to work ourselves into paroxysms of rage at the other person for not acknowledging our feelings or behaving in a completely assbackwards way. Of course they do. People do that. Even intelligent people get remarkably stupid when it comes to situations like this. Just remember that they are still perfectly reasonable people. Perhaps they will even make some other individual (personally, I like to think some other utterly hapless, unsuspecting individual) happy one day, the way you want them to make you happy. There is no point in wasting time bemoaning your fate. Just remember, at the end of the day, they were not worthy of being defended and most definitely not worthy of defending you.

inner thoughts and goddesses.

Religion is such a strange beast.

Something which should provide solace and a sense of meaning can be turned to such strange purpose.

I grew up a Hindu, learning about the ins and outs of Hinduism, all of its countless stories of gods, goddesses and adventures. I went to temples and participated in all of the rituals because that is what one does. I never really questioned it too much, other than the occasional question that a child comes with, about motivations and lessons and things like that.

It wasn't until I saw the seedy side of religion that my opinion of it changed.

A few years ago, on a family trip to Delhi and Agra, we decided to stop in Vrindavan, which figures predominantly in the god Krishna's childhood adventures. Now, I don't know what I was expecting and I will fully admit that part of the ensuing fiasco was due to my naivety, but after a run-in with a corrupt guide and even more corrupt priest who attempted to emotionally blackmail my mother into donating to the temple if she wanted my life to be good, I was ready to wash my hands of organized religion in general. In fact, I was furious. It infuriated me.

For the longest time, I absolutely loathed organized religion. To this day, I still question why we have to go to temples and perform certain rituals, if one of the tenets of Hinduism is that god is everywhere and in everything, including ourselves. To commune with an ever-present deity by going to a particular place and doing a particular thing doesn't really make much sense, does it?

Recently, I think I've rediscovered my religion. Over the past few months, medical school (and other stressors) drove me to the point where I felt ready to jump out of my own skin. I was profoundly uncomfortable and dissatisfied with myself and the way my life was going. I reacted to everything emotionally and uncontrollably.

Then I discovered Kali. And I explored her.

At first glance, she is blood-thirsty and ferocious, perhaps even off-puttingly so. On closer examination, however, she represents one's emotions and the destructive power that they contain. Yes, Kali is necessary. When other methods fail, Kali must be unleashed against one's enemies, but it is just that, she is not ever-present, she is controlled and when she must act, she acts without fear, without scruples, without any worldly attachment. She does what needs to be done and she does it completely and utterly fearlessly. She does not dissemble. She is who she is and it is up to others to approach her or run in fear. On the other side of the coin, she cannot be allowed to run rampant for long, because she will destroy the world.

She drew me, irresistibly.

I have never been the calm-water-like personality, forever adjusting to the world, that is so loved by my introspective, peace-loving religion. I am more like fire. It can warm and protect and comfort, but it can also rage and destroy. The other side of the coin is ice, in which nothing is felt by the deepest heart of hearts, even after insults that would make other hearts weep. I have always been that fire and ice and trying to be like still water felt like a personal betrayal of a sort. Kali exemplifies that fire-and-ice dichotomy. She has no husband or children. Her occasional consort is the god Shiva, but truthfully, his spouse is the mother goddess Parvati (of whom, Kali is but an aspect). She encounters the world on her own terms, when she wants to. She is not tied to it.

As I explored the nature of Kali more, a strange thing happened. I began to feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. I felt more sure of myself. Certainly I am not 100% like her (for one thing, a taste for blood is something I've never acquired... fortunately), but reflecting upon her has brought me further along the path of self-realization than I ever expected to be.

So, in the end, it doesn't matter what deity you worship, it matters how you worship them. Develop a personal bond with them. Reflect on them. As long as you get to that inner place of self-assurance and confidence, it doesn't really matter how you get there in the end. 

when you're pressed for time.

I know I said I was going to post about cookies, but fear not valiant readers! Said cookies will be arriving either tomorrow or the day after and you all will be the first to know if they are a hit or a bust.

Now, as you can infer from the title of this post, I thought I'd post about one of my favorite basic recipes that I like to call "Miscellaneous Vegetable Curry (a.k.a. the contents of my entire vegetable crisper, which have been languishing in there for far too long)."

Start with heating a couple of tablespoons of olive oil. Add a teaspoon of cumin seeds. Once they start spluttering, wait 1-2 minutes (you want them to roast and flavor the oil, but not burn) then add chopped onion (I happen to love onions, so I usually end up using 1 whole one. I would think 1/2 would serve just as well) and a chopped jalapeno or serrano pepper (to your taste). Wait for those to cook, add the random tomatoes which have been sitting around in your fridge for days (or canned tomatoes could work as well), and cook everything until it turns gravy-ish.

Here is where the fun starts. At this point, you can do nearly anything to it. Have a bag of peas sitting in your freezer? Add them in. Pretty much any vegetable, frozen or otherwise, works here. As do spices. You can take things in a Mediterranean direction with basil, oregano, and others (although, if you do, you could probably add 1-2 chopped garlic cloves when you add the onion). You can take things in a more Indian or Southeast Asian direction with coriander, garam masala and coconut milk.

Whatever combination you decide on, just let the entire thing simmer for 10-15 minutes so that all of the flavors blend. Serve with your favorite carby goodness (rice, bread, even pasta would probably work with this). 

beginnings.

Greetings Internet!

To introduce myself, I will say that I am currently a 3rd year medical student (anyone who knows anyone in medicine knows that it takes over your identity the way Alexander the Great took over Persia... rapidly and quite, quite thoroughly). With all of the stress that is attendant upon said occupation, I decided to start blogging about the few hobbies that remain to me.

Namely food (both the making and the eating of it), fine wines and other tipples, politics, reading, and spirituality. 

That being said, I'm also a raging history geek (hence the funny-only-to-me Alexander the Great joke) and LOVE TV shows based upon fantasy and history, so you will probably also see some schoolgirl-level squeeing from me on that subject. 

Now that introductions are over, I suppose we can start with food. Being Indian and having a mother who has always enjoyed cooking and teaching how to cook, I've always loved food. There's something so very relaxing and satisfying about making food with your own two hands and then eating it. Since my mother is also  a doctor, I've also grown up with the idea that short-cuts aren't necessarily a bad thing, if used properly. Sometimes I make recipes from scratch. At other times, I make unabashed use of pre-made mixes. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. Certainly I would love to be one of those from-scratch bakers. I simply have no time for it. I would much rather make something and use a short-cut rather than not make it at all. 

That leads us to recipe (or perhaps suggestion?) number 1 for the fudgiest, most sinfully delicious brownies around with a bit of an Indian kick.

Take one package of Baked NYC deep dark chocolate brownie mix (I bought it from Williams-Sonoma... somewhat expensive, yes, but you will soon find out that these are most definitely special-occasion brownies). Make as directed on the box (fair warning, it will keep your friendly neighborhood cardiologist in business... it calls for a Paula-Deen-level amount of butter). Just before you are about to pour the batter into the pan, add approximately 1/2 to 2/3 teaspoon ground cardamom (to your taste). Freshly ground please! The purist in me shudders at the flavor loss that occurs when you buy preground spices. No need to roast, unless you prefer a stronger flavor (in which case you should add slightly less cardamom). Bake as directed and allow to cool. When eaten warm, the brownies remain a little light and I would think that they would be excellent with your preferred flavor of ice cream (I recommend coffee, which stands up well to the cardamom). They are also even more excellent the next morning, after they've been sitting in the fridge overnight to become incredibly fudgy. Enjoy!

Next up: saffron cookies with toasted pine nuts and childhood stories remade.